For the past few weeks, I've been a basket case of uptight craziness, rushing about, working on the edits for FREAK, juggling a thousand things at once. I'd been invited to a big Halloween party on Saturday and I was ranting and raving to myself that I wished to GOD I'd never agreed to go. I had to come up with a costume, get dressed up, waste time. A pure, unadulterated bitchfest. I'd gotten less than five hours of sleep a night since I'd begun all the rereading and analyzing all the editor's hard work as well as my own and last night, I finally crashed. My head was pounding, my eyeballs had melted, my brain had fried. So I did the only thing a semi-rational human being could do.
I went to sleep.
Sometimes, that's the best thing for a case of the hyper-pissy. Like a squalling toddler, I was griping and angry and my head hurt and I didn't want to do anything but keep going, going, going, get it done, get it done. My body was exhausted, my mind was overwhelmed and I needed to slow down. As my roomie, who is a yoga master, often says, ssslooowww dowwwnnnn. When it comes to the insecure, that's a very tough thing for us to do because nothing we ever do is fast enough, good enough, clever enough or anything enough. We can always do better. What we don't look at is, we can also always do worse. In our screwy brains, we're already doing the worst. We're already inadequate.
I thought I was past that meanness to myself but insecurity loves to lurk, waiting for an opportunity to pounce. Last night, I was a yarn ball and insecurity a grinning cat. We took a tumble together and I unravelled a bit. It was very early for me, around eleven at night, but I went to bed, curled up under the covers, snuggled my microfiber pillow and soon began to snore. I was the toddler who runs around screaming and collapses in the middle of the floor. All I was missing was the footsie pajamas. So take a lesson from the not-so-wise and listen to your body. If you're tired, ssslooooooww dowwwnnnn. Take a nap. Get some sleep therapy. It's cheap, it's refreshing, and it's necessary. Be kind and put yourself to bed. Hum a lullaby and take care of yourself. You are your own child too, you know. Don't push too hard.